The Church of Steve Part 3

Tomatoes, Pickled Anything and now dried fruit in fact in commandment form:

Thall shalt not dry up fruit and partake thereof

I don’t hate all dried fruit. Actually I really like Banana and Apple chips and Fruit Leather. The Church of Steve is pretty forgiving on a lot of its rules and membership is more of agreement to the majority of the rules. In a situation like this where you have to draw the line is taking a delicious fruit like grapes and you remove the plump juiciness from a grape and you are left with something that can just like pickles sit on a shelf for years, looks like dried up rabbit poo, and doesn’t taste at all like the fruit it came from.

Now raisins are probably acceptable for a good standing in the CoS although I personally don’t like them, I have at times eaten them and enjoyed them. I don’t like when they ruin things like Oatmeal Cookies, Carrot Cake, Rice Pudding, etc. The problem that happens when you combine them with things like that is that they try to regain some of their former grape glory and become soft again. If you ever watched a Zombie film or better yet if you’ve watched or read Pet Cemetery, you know that once something is dead (dried), it doesn’t come back too well when you try to bring it back. When you bring them back what you are left with is a freakishly disgusting mutant raisin that is shriveled yet soft and it sneaks up on you. Once one of these hit your molars and squishes moist raisin guts all over your mouth, the vomit reflex isn’t far behind.

The most disgusting and sure way to lead to excommunication from the CoS is to partake in the bowel regulatory practice of prunes. There are other options for your fiber now a days, so take some Metamucil and be regular. Many Scandinavian friends of the CoS will be going to Hell for a traditional Christmas Prune Soup. This is the only food that while on my mission to Finland I was not willing to eat. I tried it once and nearly yakked. It’s meant to be a dessert but it quickly becomes a bulimic’s best friend because once this hits your taste buds the texture, taste, and smell will do everything a finger or two down your throat provide.